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With the current hostage problem in Jolo by the Abu Sayaf, here
are the mottos of different parties involved in this hostage crisis :
For the Army . . . . . . . "No pain, no gain."
For the Air Force . . . . "No guts, no glory."
For the Marines . . . . . "No fight, no surrender."
For the Abu Sayaf's . . "No ransom, no release."
For Erap . . . . . . . . . . "No read, no write."
Ooops
Submitted by Pepe and Pilar
The Russian president is in Manila on a state visit. Driving
into Malacañang with Erap, he sees a man peeing against the wall.
He says, "In Russia we send people to the prison camps in Siberia,
the coldest part of Russia, for doing that."
A year later the its President Erap turn for a state visit
to Russia. Driving into the Kremlin in Moscow they see a man peeing
against the wall. He says to the Russian president, "I thought you send
people to the prison camps for doing that."
"I wish I could, but I can't", said the Russian president, "that's
the Philippine Ambassador."
Erap on Golf
Submitted by Pepe and Pilar
Being a new golfer Erap must learn the game's ethics.
If you hit the ball and you are afraid someone may get
hit, it is a courtesy to yell "fore" , not Erap, he yells
"isa" because its just one ball.
He lost count of round's score after 100 strokes, go figure.
Erap settles even scores with a fist fight.
He calls his caddie, "Ka Eddie".
He loves to bet his wife for yours in the round.
He drinks "tea" on tee time.
He considers 10 footer putts as "gimmes".
His favorite hole is the 19th hole.
MODERN INVENTION
Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two.
The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese
asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"
GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien
Germany... the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in
zee Berlin."
The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native
language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"
JAPANESE: "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japan!
Have mic implant in tongue... and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Tokyo...neh."
ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and
looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR, TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!" The two businessmen
closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"
ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX!!
ON IMMIGRATION
On his arrival in San Francisco. ERAP notices a long queue in th immigration
area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read... "OLYMPIC ATHLETES
ONLY". "Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe" He instructs his aides to
look for sport props.
The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.
ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"
The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.
ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi
basta basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti." He goes around and
finds a bundle of barbed wire.
"Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.
Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's
your excuse?"
ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"
KANGAROOS (DURING AUSTRALIAN STATE VISIT)
Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia?
Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos.
Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos?
Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written:
"Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"
DURING CALIFORNIA'S QUAKE
Erap taking a bath nang biglang lumindol. He ran outside the
Beverly Hotel without his clothes on.
Guard: Mr. President! I think you forgot something...
Erap: Ay sh*t! Yung wristband ko!
MAKING A SPEECH
While typing Erap's speech to be delivered in joint commnunique,
Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ng cooperation?
Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.
ERAP'S DARE
Erap to criminals: Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to politicians: Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to Monica Lewinski: Ako naman subukan mo!
SAVE
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of
a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance
to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner
starts the countdown: "10, 9, 8,....".
FVR shouts, "Flood!". In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able
to escape because of the commotion.
It's Cory's turn. She shouts: "Earchquake!". The people watching
the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started
counting again: "10, 9, 8, 7....". Erap had a mental block. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."
Erap shouted: "Fire!".
Q & A AGAIN
Q: How are a San Miguel Beer bottle and Erap alike?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why does Erap keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
A: They are for those who don't drink!
Q: How do you confuse Erap?
A: Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: What do you do if Erap throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!
Q: Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
A: He kept throwing out the Ws.
Shaira: IQ 120, promil user until age 6
Ryan: IQ 130, promil user until age 5
Joan: IQ 130, promil user until age 7
Erap: Low IQ, Promil user until now, but
no progress
Hot News:
Plan assasination for Erap failed.
Erap was shot in the head with
.45 caliber pistol but survived dahil
walang utak na tinamaan.
Kumakalat na warning Text ngayon:
Be careful, Erap is checking all text
messages ngayon. Text in English
para di ma-detect.
Talumpati ni Erap:
"Ngayong bagong milenyo, tapos na
ang problema natin sa Komunismo,
Tapos na rin ang problema natin sa
Imperyalismo. Ang problema nalang
natin ngayon ay Ako mismo."
MOTTO
Sir, ano po ba ang pinagawa nyong sticker na
"LATANG PINOY"?
Ah,yan ba? Tinagalog ko lang yung dating
slogan na "THE FILIPINO CAN".
Di ba mas maganda ngayon?
FATIGUE
Sir, over fatigue na yata ang mga
sundalo natin na lumalaban sa
ABU SAYYAFF" sabi ng isang Heneral kay
Erap. Ganon ba? tanong ni Erap.
"Osige, pagpalitin mo lahat sila ng
Khaki for a change."
GIVE ME
Kumain sa isang sosyal na Restaurant si FVR at ERAP.
FVR: Give me a Swiss Steak and French fries.
Erap: Ako rin, give me sweeptakes and first prize too.
PREFERENCE
Nag-usap sina FVR at Erap sa sexual practice nila.
FVR: Naniniwala ka ba sa safe sex?
ERAP: OO naman, sinisigurado ko na wala ang mga asawa
nila kapag ginagawa ko yon.
Submitted by gg522 of Dallas, TX
STUCK
Humahangos ang aid ni Erap dahil
huli na ito sa meeting.
Aide: Sir, pasensya na kayo.
Nag-brownout kasi habang papunta ako
rito at na-stuck ako sa ESCALATOR nang
dalawang oras.
Erap: Ibig mong sabihin, dalawang
oras kang nakatayo roon habang
naghihintay ka ng koryente?
Aide: ganon na nga po.
Erap: Bobo! Tanga! Estupido!
Hunghang! bakit hindi ka man lang
umupo.
ANG GANTIMPALA
Isang araw, nagpasya si Erap na
maglakbay sa pamamagitan ng
pagsakay ng barko. Hindi pa nakakalayo ang
barko ng bigla itong lumubog.
Makalipas ang ilang minuto, isang rescue
team ang dumating. At ni-rescue
si erap ng isang kabataang lalake.
Erap: Sabihin mo kung ano ang
gusto mong gantimpala at ibibigay
ko sa yo?
Lalaki: wheelchair po.
Erap: Bakit wheelchair e hindi ka
naman pilay?
Lalaki: Dahil po pag nalaman ng
tatay ko na iniligtas ko kayo,
siguradong pipilayan nya po ako.
LOST IN LA
Erap visited Los Angeles Ca. and decided to go
to Downtown L.A., walking all day he got lost
fortunately, he have his cell phone with him.
He called his assistant and said
Erap: I am lost, can u please pick me up.
Assistant: Sir, Where are you at right now ?
Erap: I am standing in the corner of Union 76
gas station.
Assistant: But Sir, there's a lot of Union 76
gas station in downtown L.A.
Erap: I know that, I'm not that stupid. You
won't miss it, it's the one with the blinking
sign in the corner that says " WALK/ DON'T WALK"
ERAP IN LIBRARY
Erap in Library
"What time does the library open?" Erap on the
phone asked.
"Nine A.M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea
of calling me at home in the middle of the night
to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" Erap asked in a disappointed
voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said.
"Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"ha, who said I wanted to get in?" Erap sighed
sadly. "I want to get out!"
ERAP VISITING ALASKA
Pumunta si Erap sa Alaska,pagdating duon,tinanong
siya kung kumusta ang weather sa Pilipinas.
Sagot ni Erap,"Here in Alaska it's cold.....but in the
Philippines it's hot".
Nagtaka ngayon ang isang Alaskan repoter at tinanong si
Erap,bakit daw.
Sagot si Erap..."cause you see,the sun here in Alaska
is only 110 volts .....in the Philippines,it's 220!"
NO MORE
After finishing the main course at lunch meeting with Clinton.
Erap is asked if he would like another serving.
Erap replies politely: "No thank you. I'm fed up already."
ERAP's PET
A chemical engineer, an accountant and a Erap are arguing about
who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog and says
"Liter, do your stuff." Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker
in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and
pours exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without
spilling a drop. The accountant smiles and says, "Good, but
watch this.
He calls his dog and says," Abacus, do your stuff". Abacus goes
to the kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts
out six, which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking
or eating any.
Erap sneers and yells out "Coffee Break, go for it." Coffee
Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, takes a dump
on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs, complains that
in doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working
conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on
sick leave.
HIGH TECHNOLOGY ON CELL PHONE
You'd be amazed at the sophistication of this technology! With the
advance in technology, a well-established mobile phone company has
finally come out with a dialing technology that is better than Phillip's
voice-dial. This new dialing technology is known as "brain-dial. "To
make a call, the user will just have to think of the party's nameand
the phone will make the call for the user. During trial test inAsia,
the company decided to let the leaders of the Asian countries to try
out. With the phone on his ear, Taiwan's premier, Lee Teng Hui,try to
call the CEO of Acer by thinking his name and the phone actuallydial
the number.
In Malaysia, PM Mahathir was also offered to be a trial user. With the
phone on his ear, he think of calling his Foreign Minister, within a
few seconds the phone dialed the number for him and they chatted for
a long period regarding Anwar's torture. When the trial test come to
Indonesia, Mr. Habibie decided to use the phone to call his wife, with
this on his mind the phone automatically dialed the number and they have
a long chat.
Finally the phone has been sent to Singapore for Goh Chok Tong. With
the phone, Mr. Goh used the brain-dialing function to call BG Lee Hsian
Yang to persuade him to let Singtel Mobile have the phone to be on the
market for sale as soon as it is released worldwide. With the impressive
trial-test results, the engineers are confident that there are no bugs
in the phone and decided to release the phone on the Asian market.
But after looking at the trial result they felt the Philippines have
been left out. One sunny day, Joseph Estrada was out fishing on his new
presidential yacht, he received the trial-test phone. He decided to call
his first lady Loi Estrada using brain-dialing function, so that he can
boast to his wife that he caught a lot of fishes. He tried the brain-dialing
for half a day but the brain-dialing just won't work. An error message
was displayed on the screen.
Error Message:
SORRY, NO BRAIN DETECTED. PLS. TRY AGAIN LATER.
Tawa naman kayo diyan!
CRYING
Ramos: Erap, why do you cry while eating Chippy?
And why do you shed your tears on the wrapper?
Erap: Because it says here on top "Tear here"
IN LABOR
One particular day many years ago, Erap's
wife was having labor pains.
Erap panicked so he called their doctor.
Erap: Hello, doc. My wife is in labor!
Doc: Is she in a lot of pain?
Erap: Yes, doc!
Doc: Is this the first baby?
Erap: No, doc. This is Erap!
QUIZ SHOW
The emcee Alex Tebak, the contestant "Erap"
Emcee: Question number 1 "Ano ang bird ng Pilipinas ?
Erap: Clue please !!!
Emcee: nag uumpisa sa letter "M"
Erap: Madali yan, ...."Manok"
Emcee: Hindi..... Maliit lang at kulay brown.....
Erap: "hindi mo agad sinabi eh, di "pritong manok"...
Emcee: ngyek !!!...
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Teacher: (talking to ERAP) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
ERAP: Carabao, ma'am! Teacher: Very good, ERAP. Can you give another example?
ERAP: How about another Carabao?
TESTING
As Erap's Driver test drive it.
Driver to Erap: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw yung parking light
(as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir, yung headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK rin, its ON! Gumagana.
Driver: Sir yung signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw.......
RANSOM
While having talks with Muslim rebels,
the rebels decided to kidnap and hold ERAP
for ransom.
"Being ERAP the president, we demand $1 Billion
for his release otherwise, we'll behead him.",demanded
the rebel group.
Having a budget deficit, the government negotiators decided
that for the country's good they'll let ERAP be sacrificed.
They think he will understand the crisis.
So the government negotiator said " NO, you can have ERAP."
A few days later, they asked" How about a million not dollars
but pesos."
The government again said "NO, you can have ERAP."
After several weeks the rebel group asked for another talk.
Sensing that they will have ERAP for good, the rebels asked
"How about just get him back."
They government finally accepted because they do not have to
pay any more ransom.
Once back, the reporters asked ERAP, "Mr. President, how come they
let you go without any ransom?"
ERAP said, "They asked my request before I die and I said let me marry
one of your women each day in captivity until the day you'll kill me.
Being president, they said OK that I deserved it. The first day I
married one beautiful muslim woman, the second day another, the third
day another and so on. After 30 days, they said no more - they run out
of women. They were thinking of sending me to Malaysia if no one will
ransom me but the Malaysians said they will invade the rebel's
hideout if they do. So they decided to just give me back."
A reporter asked, "Sir, why not just kill you instead."
ERAP replied, " With my 30 muslim wives, that won't be a good idea."
ORDER
Cofee shop in New York. Erap is thinking of what to order.
The man to his left ask for "Coffee and Danish."
The man to his right, "Coffee and English."
Erap, with confidence and pride: "Coffee and Filipino!"
ELECTRIC FAN
Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and
elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?
Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!
WA CLASS
Reporter to Erap alighting from a PAL flight: "Mr. President, what can
you say about the economy?"
Erap: "I don't know, kasi nasa first class ako."
What's the difference between Erap and Magic?
Magic is an illusion, Erap is real.
What's the similarities?
The audience think they're both entertaining.
THE POPE AND ERAP
During his visit to the Vatican, Erap met with the Pope.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
Finally, a weary Erap emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then
Erap declared he was going home to the Philippines to be with his
family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, Erap just
announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of
the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
Commandments."
ERAP SA JEOPARDY
Emcee...Ano ang national Animal ng Pilipinas, eto na ang clue...."nag uumpisa sa "K"...
Erap: Sa "K" ha .... eto na "kuto"
Emcee:..Hindi !!!!! yong bang ginagamit ng magsasaka sa lupa....!
Erap: eh, di "kutong lupa"....
Emcee: Talagang mahirap itong si "Erap"..ngyek...
Emcee: Ok, eto na ang huling tanong... Sino ang huling hero ng Pilipinas..
ang clue...nag uumpisa sa initial "N..A.."
Erap: Madali yan si "Nora Aunor"
Emcee: Hindi si Nora Aunor, namatay na eh !!!!!!
Erap: Haaaa? namatay na si Nora Aunor  ??
Hinimatay ang Emcee.
TRANSLATION
Erap while translating a speech from Tagalog to English.
"We must strive"
Translation: Kailangan nating magsikap.
"We must help others"
Translation: Kailangan nating magtulungan.
"In union there is strenght"
Translation: SA SIBUYAS ME TIGAS !!!
COMPARISON
In the US they have Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Stevie Wonder.
In the Philippines, we have ERAP, no cash, no hope, no wonder.
THE DIFFERENCE
FVR: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTATO & MASHED POTATO ?
ERAP: ITONG WRISTBAND KO POTE' TO, 'TONG BARONG KO MASPOTE' TO!!
SUNOG
Nasunog ang Malacañang kaya inalalayan si Erap ng maraming
PSG para makalabas.
"Sir, dito po ang daan," sabi ng isang PSG na itinuturo ang fire exit.
"Gago ka ba? Gusto mo bang masunog ako?
Eh diyan nga ang labasan ng apoy eh," sagot ni Erap.
STYLE
Sa New York, ini-interview ng isang reporter si Erap.
"Mr. President, what do you think is the secret of happy marriage?"
tanong ng reporter.
"Well, for me?" paumpisang Ingles ni Erap, "Everything I demand
for sex, my wife supplies?"
Na-turn off ang reporter, "Isn't that hostile [pronounced as hastayl]?"
"Hostile, dog-style, any style is okay for me," sagot ni
Erap na may ngiti pa sa labi.
SEX IN THE MOVIES
Reporter: "Mr. President, what can you say about sex in the movies?"
Erap: "I am against it. Ang daming motel, bakit pa sila nagsi-sex
sa sinehan. Hindi dapat yan."
KAMUKHA DAW
Jingoy: Dad, sabi nila pagnakaharap ako kamukha ko si Jose Rizal,
pag-nakaside view kamukha ko naman si Manuel Roxas. Anong ibig sabihin yon?
Erap: Mukha kang pera.
FIRST LOVE
Ininterbyu si Erap tungkol sa kanyang lovelife:
Reporter: First love?
Erap: Never dies, syempre.
Reporter: About your first crush?
Erap: Ahh? awa ng Diyos, sa dami ng flight ko ngayon, wala naman.
BIRTHDAY
Reporter: When is your birthday?
Erap: Dec.25 (Not his real birthday)
Reporter: What year?
Erap: Every year.
ERAP AND UN
What's UN's favorite drink?
Erap: Of course, 7up, the UNcola.
What's UN official dog?
Erap: Of course, the "UNderdog".
What's UN official Motto?
Erap: Do UNto others, what you don't want others to do UNto you.
What's UN official drink?
Erap: Of course, Kofi Annan.
OBSCENITIES
While in New York city, a Erap bumped a NY Bronx man.
Man: Hey, watch where you're goin' you "MUDAFUCKA".
Erap : Eh ta-tanga tanga ka pala, "MADAFA KA RIN SANA"!!
THE ORDER
In a Japanese restaurant.
Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.
Waiter : Sir "Take Home" po ang basa diyan.
THE WIFE
Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap,
"I haven't met your wife. Where is she?"
Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, "Oh, my wife just passed away."
STARBUCKS
ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks
Waiter: DECAF?
ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE
NUTRIENTS
While in a drug store.
Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Pharmacist : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!
DENTAL APPOINTMENT
The Estrada's ' were shown into the dentist's office, where
Erap made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or
any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Erap turned to his wife Loi. "Show him your tooth, Honey."
MASAKIT ANG TIYAN
Erap: Doc, ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko.
DOC: Ang ulo, parang tiyan, pag walang laman sumasakit!
DIRECTION
On board an Air Force plane that Erap had commandeered to
pursue a group of kidnappers on another plane, the pilot t
ells Erap: "Sir, enemy plane comming in at 5 o'clock."
Erap replies: "Good. We have time to plan our moves.
It's only 4:25 by my watch."
PHONE CALL
Doctor: What happened to your ears?
Erap: I was ironing my pants when the phone rang and
I picked up the iron instead.
Doctor: What happened to your other ear?
Erap: The Son of a Bitch called back.
HISTORICAL
ERAP: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo.
Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.
PARE :Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.
ERAP: Hindi, historical talaga, pare.
Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang
inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.
WINNING
Eraps walks into a casino where he see's a coke vending machine.
He puts in some money and a coke falls out. He smiles and keeps
putting in more and more money, and getting heaps of cokes. He does
this for about an hour or so until an aide comes up to him and says
"Havent you had enough, Sir?" and he says back, "No! Cant you see I'm
winning!"
NEW BOND
Pierce Brosnan resigned from being James Bond
and was substituted by a filipino actor named Joseph Estrada.
IQ 007, First movie "His Brain Is Not Enough."
Soon to be shown to theatres near you.
LOVE CODE
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love
messages tulad ng:
ITALY - I truly adore and love you
SASAYA - Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang
gumawa ng "love letter" na gamit and alphabet:
ABC - Always be careful
DEF - Don't Ever forget
GHI - Go Home Immediately
JKLM - Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW - No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should
Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang and
natitira...XYZ.
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang oras,
napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
sinulat ang:
XYZ - Xee You Zoon!!
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
FRIES
Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries"
order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
sagot ni Erap.
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.
DA
Sa Japanese ang gago o tanga "Da",
Pag masyadong tanga "Honda",
Sobrang tanga "Mazda"
Saksakan ng tanga "Estrada"
ABU SAYYAF TO SERVE THE ERAP'S GOVERNMENT
With the continuing worsening of the situation and
with no end in sight to the hostage drama in Jolo,
the government has seriously considered negotiating
with the Abu Sayyaf. One of the recommendations made
in the recent Cabinet meeting was to utilize and
hire the members of the Abu Sayyaf movement to serve
the government.
Since he has been contemplating on reshuffling his
Cabinet anyway, it was strongly recommended that
Erap start hiring Muslims and commission them to
head up the government agencies. Initially, with
their qualifications and experiences, the following
will be assigned to the these agencies of the
government:
Dept. of Justice - Abu Gado
Dept. of National Defense - Abu Rido
Dept. of Finance - Abu Nado
Dept. of Social Welfare - Abu Loy
Bureau of Customs - Abu Tan
Phil. National Police - Abu Sado
Dept. of Tourism - Abu So
Dept. of Health - Abu Lario
ERAP AND ST. PETER
Hindi mo ba alam na narating na ni Erap ang
pintuan ng langit?
Ito ang nangyari:
SAN PEDRO: Anong pangalan? (may hawak nang
malaking susi)
ERAP: Erap po
SAN PEDRO: Ahhh, ikaw pala si Erap, Titingnan
ko ang pangalan mo sa aklat ng buhay. (sabay bukas ng
libro).
Ummmmm, Makakapasok ka sa pintuan ng langit
kung masasagot mo ang isa man langsa tatlo kong
pagsubok.
ERAP: Opo.
SAN PEDRO: 1st question, Anu-anong mga araw sa
isang linggo ang nagsisimula sa titik "T"?
ERAP: Today and Tomorrow.
SAN PEDRO: Ayyyy naku! Mali!! Pero may
pangalawang pagkakataon ka pa. Ito ang pangalawang
pagsubok. How many seconds are there in one year?
ERAP: Syempre 12!
SAN PEDRO: Ha! Bakit 12 lang?
ERAP: Kasi po, di ba maroong Jan 2nd, February
2nd,etc.
SAN PEDRO: (Medyo nainis na) Alam mo mabait
lang talaga ako, kaya siguro naman masasagot mo na
itong huli kong tanong. What is the name of our
Creator?
ERAP: Eh di, si Harold po.
SAN PEDRO:(Muntik ng mabatukan si Erap) Sige
nga, ipaliwanag mo kung bakit Harold ang sagot mo.
ERAP: Kasi po, sa tuwing nagdadasal ako, ganito
po.
"Our Father "Harold" be thy name....."
(Kaya hanggang ngayon kasama parin natin si
Erap.)
WHAT IS III
NORA: Pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
ERAP: Dats ezy! eh di pang LIMA! kaya nga "PIP"
ang tawag sa kanya eh!
A text message are now roaming around saying:
"Mr. President, the people
are JUETENG for you to resign !!!"
"Does that mean VP Gloria Macapagal - Arroyo
is President in Jueteng?"
GROUP
Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock
of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of
fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of
wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?
Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!
Di anser is "asociation".
NEWS
NEWSFLASH: Assassination attempt on ERAP failed. The president was
shot in the head with a .45 caliber but survived dahil walang utak na
tinamaan.
BALANCE
An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered - IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.
NAMES
An Erap's pregnant sister was involved in a car accident and,
while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer
carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother
of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should
know that while you were in a coma, Erap named the children for
you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not him! He's not really all
together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter
Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
TEXT JOKES I
This is the text mesage going around:
ATONG pa ANG inaantay mo MR.PRESIDENT.
The people are "JUETENG " for you to resign.
Hindi mo MALULUCIOTAN ITO. NACHABIT ka na!
Kabayan ipasa ito para makarating kay ERAP.
Bakit ang SARAO naging SARADO?
Kasi mahina ang driver ng JEEP ni ERAP.
NALUCIOTAN NA, NACHABIT PA.
THE DOG
As a boy, ERAP went to school everyday with his dog.
But later, they had to separate and ERAP went to school alone.
WHY ? BECAUSE THE DOG GRADUATED.
SPEAK OUT
IF ERAP COULD ONLY SPEAK HIS MIND,
HE WOULD BE "SPEECHLESS"
CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
ACQUITED
SEER to LOI: ERAP will not finish his term.
He will be killed.
LOI was shaken , then composed herself
before asking: WILL I BE ACQUITED?
COFFEE
Pumasok si ERAP sa Starbucks.
ERAP: Coffee please.
Waiter:Would you like your coffee BLACK?
ERAP: H m m m, WHAT OTHER COLOR DO YOU HAVE?
SEASONS
Teacher to ERAP: Name the 4 seasons.
ERAP : KNORR , MAGGI, A1 AND TABASCO
KASI
GUEST: Sarap ng luto ng Misis mo!
ERAP: Kasi mayroon siyang "URINARY SKILLS"
HOLIDAY
SEER to ERAP; you will die on a holiday.
ERAP: which holiday.?
SEER: ANY DAY YOU DIE WILL BE A HOLIDAY!
VIP'S ON A SINKING SHIP:
CLINTON: What do we do?
YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT.
ARAFAT: ALL WOMEN FIRST.
SADDAM:FUCK THE WOMEN!
ERAP: TALAGA! MAY ORAS PA BA?
TOOTHPICKS
Flash report: Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente.
"Pinakain ninyo ako ng noodles,
wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang inyong toothpick."
ERAP'S WORDS OF WISDOM
If the cat is away, the mouse is alone.
If others can do it, don't help anymore.
Don't talk to strangers if your mouth is full.
Don't count the eggs if it is not yours.
USE SENTENCE AGAIN
"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y
estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.
VIOLATION
Nahuli ni Erap ang dalawang empleyado niyang may ginagawang di naisnais
sa office niya.
"Violating company rules kayo niyan," paalala ni Erap.
"Anong rule po?" tanong ng lalaki.
Nag-isip muna si Erap, "Not wearing uniforms!"
GASOLINA
Mega-traffic sa Mendiola. Tatlong oras nang nakahinto ang mga sasakyan
kaya napilitang magtanong ang isang driver sa pulis na nakaantabay.
"Ano ba ang nangyayari?"
"Nasa gitna ng kalsada si Erap, galit na galit sa mga may-ari ng gas
dahil taas sila nang taas ng presyo. Ang sabi ni Erap, kapag hindi nagbaba
ng presyo ang mga langis, bubuhusan niya ang sarili niya ng langis at
susunugin niya ang sarili niya."
"Ang bait ni Erap."
"Kaya umiikot kaming mga pulis para tulungan si Erap na makalikom ng
kailangan niya eh."
"Magkano na ang nakukuha ninyo?"
"Sa ngayon, tatlong lighter, limang posporo at sampung galon ng gas."
BRIDGE
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong
din, "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"
HOMELESS
"Ano ho ang plano ninyo para sa mga homeless?" tanong ng isang
interviewer kay Erap.
"Marami. Kaso may isa lang na problema."
"Ano po 'yun?"
"Ang hirap nilang hanapin. Wala kasi silang mga address, eh."
PREDICTION
Madam Auring's Text Forecast;
Good News: Erap will resign.
Bad news: Jinggoy will become President.
Worse news: Jude (his other son, rumored to be gay)
will become first Lady.
PAREHO SILA
Nakikipaglandian si Erap sa isang babae sa bar.
"Teka, Mr. President, alam mo bang isa akong lesbian?" tanong ng
babae.
"Teka, ano ba 'yung lesbian?" tanong ni Erap.
"I love to make love to a girl" paliwanag ng tomboy.
Natawa si Erap, "Huwag kang mag-alala, lesbian din pala ako! Pareho
tayo ng hilig!"
SATAN AND ERAP
Satan appeared to Erap. Satan: I have a proposal -- you will finish
your term, but in return I want your soul.
Erap: Teka muna (Just a moment), what's the catch?
INSURANCE
Loi: Mahal, Ikinuha kita ng insurance (My love, I got you an
insurance policy).
Erap: Anong klase (What kind), life insurance?
Loi: Fire insurance, dahil doon ang punta mo pag namatay ka (because
that is where you will go after you die).
WARNING
Vatican warned Sin that he will go to hell while Erap will go to heaven.
Why? 'Cuz when Sin talks, people sleep. When Erap talks, the nation prays.
ANONG GATAS?
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang
presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata Lactacyd."
Q AND A
Q: How does Erap say "Fuck You All" to the Filipino people in Tagalog?
A: "Malinis ang aking konsyensya" ("My conscience is clear," his favorite refrain
when aked about the latest scandal to hit him)
Q: Bakit ayaw mag-resign ni Erap? (Why doesn't Erap want to resign?)
A: Kasi hindi niya alam kung kanino ia-address ang resignation letter niya.
(Because he doesn't know to whom to address his resignation letter).
MAAWA
Di na kayo naawa kay Erap. Di na kayo nahiya. Wala na kayong nakitang lokohin
kungdi siya. Di ba ninyo alam na hulog siya ng langit? Una nga lang an ulo kaya tanga
(You have no pity for Erap. You have no shame. You can't pick on anyone else but him.
Don't you know he is heaven-sent? Except that he was dropped head first)
LEARN MORE JAPANESE
You are a liar: Dongpunokane (a play on the palace spokesman, Dong Puno)?
Masyado kang sipsip (you're too much of a boot licker): Miriamkane
(a play on Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago)?
Lasenggo, sugarol, mataba, magnanakaw, bobo, etc.: Erapkane?
ACT III
Nanood ng three act play sina Erap at Loi sa Cultural Center.
Pagkatapos
ibaba ang telon nang matapos ang act I, nagyayaya na si Erap.
"Tara na."
"Teka, intermission pa lang," sagot ni Loi.
"Hindi mo ba nabasa ang program?" tanong ni Erap sabay pakita ng
program
sa
asawa. "Nakasulat * Act II Three Weeks Later. O, maghihintay ka pa?"
AIR PRESSURE
Pa-landing na ang presidential plane. Napansin ng stewardess na parang
sumasakit ang tenga ni President Erap dahil sa air pressure kaya
lumapit ito.
"Sir, chewing gum para hindi sumakit ang tenga ninyo sa flight," sabi
ng stewardess.
Tinanggap ni Erap ang chewing gum. Ilang sandali pa, lumapag na ang
eroplano. Kinausap ni Erap ang stewardess.
"Miss, paano ko tatanggalin ang chewing gum sa tenga ko?" tanong nito.
POPULATION GROWTH
"Mr. President, our population growth rate is alarming na. May isang
babaeng nanganganak bawat minuto," payo ng isang gabinete kay Erap.
"Kailangan natin itong ihinto kaagad!" sigaw ni Erap at tumingin sa
ibang
tauhan niya, "Hanapin ninyo 'yung babaing 'yun at huwag natin
palapitan
sa lalake !"
GUARANTEE
Erap: Before the end of my term, I guarantee that the dollar-peso exchange rate
will be one dollar is to one kilo of peso.
NEWS
News Flash:
Similarity between Marcos and Erap: Both have AIDS. Marcos's AIDS: Acquired
Income Deposited in Switzerland. Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.
HARD AT WORK
Mga Kabayan: (1) Our beloved President can always be found (2) hard at work
with his Cabinet, without (3) wasting the country’s resources on cronies. He never
(4) thinks twice about helping our countrymen, and he (5) decides firmly on political
matters. He has absolutely no (6) vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound
(7) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that he can be (8) classified as a
high-caliber leader, the type who can’t be (9) dispensed with anytime. PS: Read only
the odd-numbered lines.
CRISIS
The crisis in America is that they still don’t have a President.
The crisis in the Philippines is that we still have a President.
COLOR
Another: Marcos was in red. Cory was in yellow. Ramos was in blue.
But Erap is in peach.
LEARN NEW FOREIGN WORDS
"ERAP" in different languages:
Japanese -- Haritanga (king of the dumb);
Chinese -- Tatai-jueteng (father of illegal gambling)
Arabic -- Ali Bobo (stupid)
African -- Akimpa Yola (the payoff's mine!)
German -- Dapat Ousten (he shoud be ousted)
French -- Vo Vous (another play on bobo, or stupid);
Indian --Talsikh Nhatin (let's get rid of him).
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL !!
ERAP WIVES
LOI - Lady Often Insulted.
GUIA - Girl Using Intimacy for Advantage.
LAARNI - Lamang sa Ari-Arian kaya No Imik
(she bested the rest in amassing the
estate, so she's silent and contented).
JUETENG
Q: If Loi is First Lady, ano naman si Guia (What is Guia)?
A: Lady in jueteng (illegal gambling, with jueteng pronounced like "waiting").
Q: Ano naman si Jinggoy (What is his son, Jinggoy)?
A: Anak ng jueteng (son of illegal gambling, a play on a Filipino cussword).
Q: Ano naman si Gloria Macapagal Arroyo (What is Vice-President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo)?
A: jueteng (illegal gambling) and hoping.
NOT SURE
I'm not sure what life could bring you
I'm not sure if dreams come true
I'm not sure what love can do
But I'm very sure about one thing: YOKO K ERAP
(I don't want Erap, in short message service lingo.)
ELECTORAL COLLEGE
"That's one way we are efficient in this country.
It's their electoral college which is the trouble.
Look at me, not even college, yet I'm president!" the ERAP said.
YOUNGER
Erap is thinking what to say to Bush if ever he gets elected.
"If (George W.) Bush should win, I should congratulate him
for looking so young...By golly, when he was vice-president
of my idol Ronald Reagan, he already had white hair."
ERAP CAN'T HIDE
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bummer day on the day
that you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 AM, the first
person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the
gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man, "Before I let you
in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to
my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught
my wife obviously having an affair....but her lover was
nowhere in sight. Immediately I began
searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me
as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I
was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony. Out there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I rushed back inside to get the
first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it,
pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so
great that I had a heart ttack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,
"OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next man on line came up. The Angel said,
"Greetings, friend. Before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died."
The man said, "You're not going to believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger
tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man
comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up
on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy
push his refrigerator - of all things - off the balcony. It falls the
25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself.
"Very well sir," the Angel announces, "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, President Estrada
comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like
the day you died.
"Estrada replies, "Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ERAP
In the beginning, Jose Marcelo Ejercito studied at the Ateneo de Manila.
And that school was filled with darkness and chaos because of him, so they
expelled him.
Finding himself in the cinema, he said, "Let there be LIGHTS, CAMERA,
ACTION!" And he regaled the masa with his grade-B action movies, and they
loved him, and he, them, so Erap was born. And it was so, in the evenings
and mornings of his second decade.
And Erap said, "Let there be stars (and starlets) to fill my nights,
celestial bodies to fill my bed, with beauty queens and actresses of all
shapes and sizes." And it was so. Erap blessed his stars and said,
"Increase and multiply! Fill the Philippines with my name! In my name
shall, ye fill the earth and subdue it." And the starlets begot him
children, JV, JR, and other illegitimate children too numerous to mention,
and he saw all that he did and said that it was good, very good. And it
was
so, in the evenings and mornings of his third decade.
Then he saw the Ilokano 'god' and the Waray 'goddess' on the face of the
earth, and he knelt and kissed their feet and hands (and asses) and said,
"Let me be mayor of San Juan and I will pledge undying loyalty to thee and
thine own. Whether thou goes, I go, whatever thou doest, I do." And so
then Martial Law was declared, Erap set an example. He imprisoned those who
opposed him, threatened the townsfolk of San Juan with violence if they
did not comply. He did all the things that were right in his eyes, and no
one opposed as god (Da Apo) was on his side.He ruled like a lord in his fief,
and saw that it was good, very good. And it was so, on the mornings and
evenings of his fourth decade.
And during the past few decades, Erap said, "Let there be wine, smoke and
jueteng. Let sabong and jai-alai entertain the masses. Let me be a shining
example of all these vices. Let me eat, drink, smoke, gamble and be merry
for tomorrow I will do it again." And it was so.
But 13 years ago, Erap was ousted by the Yellow Brigade, because his god
went to Hawaii. He was unrepentant in his loyalty to Da Apo. And Da Apo
died in Hawaii, kept as a popsicle in a giant freezer, where his widow,
Imeldific, insists on a hero's burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani to
this day. Erap was distraught, his god died, and he was fired by the canaries.
And he raised his fist and shook it against the Yellow President and her
cronies and said, "BULLET DAY I WILL GIANT YOU! (Balang araw, ako ay
maghihiganti!) I WILL BE PRESIDENT ONE DAY! (no translation needed)" And
the earth trembled at his oath. And for a time there was some progress in
the Philippines after Cory, but when the elections came, Erap said to the
huddled, bleeding and ignorant masses, "IBOTO NINYO AKO AT TUTULUNGAN KO
KAYO! AKO AY PARA SA MAHIRAP!" And the masses, like sheep to the
laughter, did so, and Erap said, "Let there be a LANDSCAPE (landslide, in proper
English) VICTORY, to show the world that I am the president the masses
love!" And it was so.
And there was weeping and gnashing of teeth among the educated and the
enlightened, for they knew that darkness and chaos had come not only in
Ateneo, but the whole archipelago. But the masses cheered their hero, who
was really a Macoy loyalist all the way. And Erap wanted his Ilokano 'god'
buried with honors at the Libingan ng Bayani, but the people would not let
him, and he relented.
Then all the cronies, all the kamag-anaks, kabits and 'toma'-dachis were
appointed. People with questionable backgrounds went to the offices of
ministers, assistant ministers, secretaries of state. The 'bebble gam'
king became minister of defense. The son of 'god' became the governor of
Ilocos Norte, his widow, Imeldific a senator, while the daughter of 'god'
became congresswoman. Loyalty before principles was the order of the day.
And Erap pursueth his enemies without mercy. The first to feel his wrath
were James Gordon of Subic, followed by Manoling Morato (alias Ling-Ling)
of the Board of Censors Next in line were Lito Lapid and Rey Malonzo,
mayors both, not for winning in public office but for running in the
opposition party. Joey Marquez was next.
Those whom Erap perceiveth his enemies were persecuted and harassed with
unpaid tax charges and fiscal anomalies. He bullied that small newspaper,
the Manila Times and its publishers, the Gokongwei clan with lawsuits and
spurious charges of tax evasion. And the Gokongweis apologized and
withdrew the article, and Erap smiled that crooked smile, and walked that
crooked walk, and said, "I won again!"
And Erap sought but failed to have some laws passed. he SAL (statement of
assets and liabilities to track down possible candidates for kidnap or
blackmail?), the warrantless arrest (shades of martial law) encouraged by
this right hand man, Ping Lacson, the abolition of English as a second
language I don't know about you, but the way RP is experiencing a brain
drain these days, it might just work), legalizing gambling as a form of
revenue jueteng, jai-alai, sabong, masiao, betting on horse races).
And these were the scandals galore that doggeth Erap in the office of
Malacanang: the textbook scandal at DECS, the pyramid scam by Reli
German's ex-wife, Baby; the 'JR' scandal (a beauty queen who claimeth parentage
with Erap); the Romy Jalosjos fiasco (see the Jacuzzi, the air-con, the
hamburger stand, the tennis courts at Muntinlupa prisons? That is
punishment!); the counter investigation of FVR about the Expo Filipino
funds; the Imelda Marcos'pardon'; the 'Loot'-cio Tan tax suit; the vcr
tape of Erap gambling in a casino with a drug lord; releasing the sons of
Freddie Webb (Hubert Webb for the Visconde massacre) and Dolphy's son for
arson and homicide for burning down Mina Aragon's house with her mother
and children in it) just because their fathers are Erap's buddies.
And the righteous crieth out, "Where is justice?" In a little while, after
6 years, you may see it. Then again, you may not. And the misdeeds of
Erap,his eraptions and his shenanigans, are they not recorded, and are still
being recorded in the book of ACTS? (for actors, silly).
Thus endeth this gospel (for now).
EDITOR'S NOTES:
Some people say it's funny and others say not. Judge for yourself.
KAIBAHAN NI ERAP AT NI ADAN.....
Si Adan, kaibigan ni Lord,
Si Erap, kaibigan Druglord.
Si Adan, asawa si Eba,
Si Erap, asawa Eba-iba.
Si Adan, natukso ni Eba,
Si Erap, natukso sa pera.
Si Adan, wala pa nuong alam,
Si Erap, hanggang ngayon walang alam.
Si Adan, bibo,
Si Erap, bobo.
CLOCK
In heaven, every one has a lie clock.
Every time you lie the clock
moves. Mother Teresa's clock never moved.
Lincoln's clock moved only twice.
ERAP's clock is being used by St. Peter as electric fan.
ALLEGATIONS
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE.
PRESIDENT
Americans are complaining they still have no President.
Filipinos are complaining " WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT"
------ibigay na lang kaya natin si ERAP sa mga Americano.
WHITE CHRISTMAS
Its going to be a White Christmas this year for us.
Translation:
"MAMUMUTI ANG MGA MATA NYO PERO HINDI MAG RE-RESIGN SI ERAP".
PRAYERS
ERAP PRAYER: GAMBLING FATHER, WHO IS IN JUETENG, HAKOT BE THY NAME, THY
KICKBACK COME, THY WEALTH BE DONE, IN WACK WACK AS IN SAN JUAN. AMEN.
Si ERAP nagsimba.- nasa "sign of peace" na. Sabi ng katabi niya - "
IMPEACH BE WITH YOU"
LORD, Help our President overcome all of the accusations of Gov.Singson.
"LET HIM REST IN PEACE +++++++.
HAIL
Oficial band music for the President of the U S - HAIL TO THE CHIEF
Official band music for ERAP - HAIL TO THE THIEF!
SACRIFICE
ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper
which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go
and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice.
ERAP CLAPPED! ! !
QUIZ
Question: If people call ERAP "BUWAYA" what would you call Sonny Osmena?
ANS: An ali"GAY"tor.
LIBRARY
ERAP walked to the Librarian and said: This is the most boring book I
have ever read, It has no plot yet so many characters.
LIBRARIAN: So it was you who took our PHONE BOOK! !
DEMOCRACY
Erap's definition of democracy:
Government off the people, poor the people, and buy the people.
BRO. MIKE
Similarities between Erap and Bro. Mike:
1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor.
SACRIFICE
Erap and Cory were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only
one. Cory said she will let go and gave speech about women always making
sacrifice. Erap clapped.
ERAP'S MI ULTIMO
Erap's Mi Ultimo Adios
El parte de jueteng wala na
Mi compadres lords nabuking na
El mansions mi queridas envistiga
Mi amigos de la Camara el ultimo pag-asa.
NASA PISO
Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa tokens sa casino.
AN ERAP X'MAS CAROL
Caroling time:
He sees you when you are gambling,
He knows when you are drunk,
He knows if you've been in bed with girls,
So RESIGN for progress' sake.
NEW ERAP COMMERCIAL
Introducing Mr.unCLEAN, ang Presidenteng sanhi
ng dumi't mantsa. Nabibili sa suking juetengan.
Mula sa P&G-Prosper when you Gamble.
PRESIDENTIAL UPDATE
Bush-240 electoral votes, Gore-249 electoral votes.
Erap, pakisaksak naman sa 220 electrical volts.
BANANA REPUBLIC
Q: Why is the Philippines called a banana republic?
A: Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president.
IQ CHECK
Q: Why can't Erap resign?
A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.
NEWSFLASH
Watch ABS-CBN News for the flash report regarding Erap! He
just stepp
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